I'm Already Who I Want to Be
Realizing the thief of my joy isn’t comparison to others but the idea of my future self.
I’ve read that one of the many factors that make humans different from animals is our capacity to think beyond the present moment. I think of this often when I watch my dog delightfully chasing squirrels through the woods. With fervor he makes these joyful bunny hops across logs and brush and seems to have no desire to actually catch the squirrel. I watch him and wonder if that kind of joy is possible for us humans, who can hold so many thoughts and desires at one time. My dog never questions if what he’s doing is consistent with his larger goals in life. He never needs to ponder if he’s spending his time wisely. There are no hypotheticals or alternate situations for him. He doesn’t lay awake at night regretting that he stole one of my socks earlier in the day. All he has is the present moment and he has no choice but to indulge in his desires and make the most of it.
So, as I’ve begun to reflect on the year, I think of an excerpt of a poem I’ve had on my felt-board for the last 10+ months because I rarely take the time to swap it out. As such, it’s become one of my mantras of 2023.
A dreamer
Must dream like trees
Of fruit to the last
The excerpt is from Inger Christensen’s alphabet, but I first read it in a short story called Apples by Gunnhild Øyehau from the 2022 O. Henry Prize Winners collection. I love this excerpt because it reminds me of the patience and resilience required of dreamers. It’s illuminating to think of us taking cues from the trees. Trees do not panic or rush into making their dreams a reality. Quietly they work and listen to the world around them, delivering fruit after fruit every spring without fail.
I’ve been a person with big dreams for as long as I can remember. There were seasons of cut-out images from Teen Vogue pasted on my bedroom wall, next to my pillow, perhaps in some subconscious hope that the images would fuse into my life and become a reality by the following morning. There were other seasons I buried myself in novels with the hope that one day I, too, could have something of mine accompanying them on the shelves (I still do this). I’ve always had some image of what kind of future I wanted for myself and I tried to follow the steps that I believed would get me there. I’ve had this mindset deeply ingrained in my attitude and approach to daily life, dreaming of what could be. It’s brought me many wonderful things in life, but it also has often kept me from enjoying the present moment, particularly if it’s one that I feel isn’t bringing me closer to those dreams.
They say comparison is the thief of joy, but I always thought the “comparison” was of yourself to others. I realized recently that I’ve focused much of my life on comparing myself to who I want to be. I get caught up thinking that one day, just one day, I’ll become the person I’ve dreamt of. I’ve done this so much that I haven’t been able to take a step back and look at myself in the present. In fact, much of my aggravation in daily life comes from believing I’m meant to be somewhere else, doing something else. The pathways in my brain are deep with this mindset and it can be difficult to break free of it. What a thief of joy it is for me and everyone around me when I’m wishing I was some other version of myself. On the contrary, I rarely wish the people around me were different. The reason I want to spend time with them is often precisely because of who they are. It hit me like a ton of bricks when I was leaving New York the other week, as I reflected on the joyful time spent with friends and family. What if I’m already the person I wanted to be? And how does believing this change my perspective on daily life?
Dreams are fuel for the great things that can be done in life. They’re vital to life and progress. Ambitions are one of the many things that make the human experience unique and powerful. But there’s a balance we must strike. Perhaps this ability to hold memories and dreams can make our present even richer if we allow it. I’m able to reflect on the wonderful experiences I’ve had, but I also am able to feel the value in the present and rest in who I am. So I’m wondering, what value can be found if I look at myself as the person I always wanted to be? I’m excited to continue this practice to see where it leads and how I can further maximize the present moment.
What I’m loving this week:
Eat: Alison Roman’s Broccoli Cheddar Soup via NYTimes was a cozy delight during a chilly week.
Drink: I enjoyed the Munich Dunkel from River Arts District Brewing on an outing with friends a few nights ago.
Watch: OK so we’ve been diving back into the Christmas movie season and over the weekend we watched Violent Night per the recommendation of our friends Bran and Katelyn and boy did it deliver. Prepare yourself for Christmas-decoration-fueled violence and a very badass Santa.
Listen: This week I’ve really been enjoying the album Darlène by French Canadian artist Hubert Lenoir.
Read: I’m finally getting to Dept. of Speculation by Jenny Offill and wow. So heartbreaking and beautiful and cold. All the things I love in a novel.